Self-Compassion in Coaching: A Path to Wholeness
When we aren’t being ourselves — when we follow other people’s expectations or society’s idea of who we should be — we’re also not being kind to ourselves. In a way, we’re committing a quiet violence against our own nature, bending ourselves out of shape to fit into places we were never meant to fit.
Over time, that lack of kindness shows its effects. We might have achieved a lot in our careers, yet our mental health has suffered. We might have earned plenty of money, but can’t enjoy it because we feel empty inside. We might have avoided conflict, but find we have few truly deep relationships.
Often, it’s at this point that people come to coaching. They realise that not being themselves — not speaking and living their truth — has come at a huge cost: the cost of a fully lived life.
Coaching for Authenticity: The Power of Self-Compassion
We all want to live in alignment with who we are, to speak our truth, express our real feelings, and stand up for our values. We’re wired for self-expression.
At the same time, we’re also wired for belonging. We long to feel accepted and part of the whole. For most of human history, belonging to a group was essential for survival. Our need for acceptance isn’t just social — it’s biological, rooted deep in our nervous system.
When we start showing up as ourselves, it often comes at the cost of fitting in. And that can set our nervous system on fire.
As my clients begin their journey toward authenticity, they often encounter deep fear of rejection, anxiety, and doubt. I often hear something like, “Ignoring my needs and fitting in didn’t feel great, but at least it felt safe.”
Part of the coaching process, then, is learning how to create that sense of safety from within. And that’s where self-compassion comes in.
Many of us live with a self-critical inner voice that tells us how we should act in order to gain acceptance from others. Self-compassion acts as the soothing balm that allows us to find acceptance and belonging from within. Treating ourselves with kindness helps us show up as we truly are.
The RAIN Method: A Step-by-Step Guide to Self-Compassion
When clients ask me what self-compassion means, I invite them to imagine a close friend going through something difficult — feeling inadequate, afraid, or stuck — and to consider how they would treat that friend. Self-compassion simply means turning that same kindness, warmth, and support toward ourselves when we’re struggling.
One of the tools I like to work with in my coaching is Tara Brach’s RAIN of self-compassion. The method consists of four steps which I lead my clients through during the session:
R - Recognise what’s going on
The first step in working with difficult experiences is to consciously acknowledge the thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations that are present. We might notice the shallowness of our breath, the tightness in our chest, the feelings of anxiety or fear, the critical inner voice lashing out at us. Simply bringing awareness to what’s happening interrupts the trance of reactivity. It’s the moment we stop running from the experience and begin to see it clearly.
A - Allow the experience to be there, just as it is
Once we’ve brought awareness to our thoughts, feelings, and sensations, we simply allow them to be there - rather than adding another layer of resistance. Honestly acknowledging our self-judgements and accepting ourselves for where we are in this moment, even when it feels difficult, breaks the loop of self-criticism.
A simple way to practise this is to silently whisper “It’s okay” or “I allow,” while placing a hand on the chest in a soothing touch. This small gesture can help the body feel the acceptance the mind is learning to offer.
I - Investigate with curiosity
Having allowed and validated our experience, we can now deepen our attention by investigating it with gentle curiosity. We might ask ourselves: What am I believing right now? What does this part of me need? What is asking for my attention?
This step connects strongly with the somatic dimension of my coaching work. Rather than answering from the head, I encourage clients to tune into the felt sense of the body - the subtle sensations and feelings that often carry deeper wisdom.
N - Nurture with Self-Compassion
In this final step, we bring compassion to what we’ve discovered. Having sensed the tenderness, woundedness, or fear within us, we can begin to actively care for and support ourselves.
We might offer words of reassurance and kindness: “I see you.” “I’m sorry.” “I love you.” “I’m here for you.” We might add a tender touch, a self-hug, or ask ourselves what small act of care could express this kindness - a warm bath, a quiet walk, a cup of tea.
Final Thoughts
As a coaching method, the RAIN of self-compassion helps my clients reconnect to themselves in my sessions, but it’s also a fantastic tool to practice and apply in one’s own time - by oneself.
Ultimately, self-compassion isn’t about fixing ourselves — it’s about remembering that we’re already enough. When we meet our experience with kindness, we create the inner safety that allows authentic change to unfold.
For further resources on developing self-compassion, I highly recommend Kristin Neff’s book Self-Compassion and the 8-week Mindful Self-Compassion course developed by her and her colleagues.
An Invitation
If this resonates, why not book a free 30-minute consultation? It’s a chance for us to meet, explore where you are, and see if working together feels right.